26point2 Shades of Anastasia
by marpuri
Summary: Ana goes through the typical reactions of a woman discovering her husband's infidelity and subsequent relationship break-down. She takes up running as an outlet for her emotions and has trained to run the Seattle Marathon. Follow Ana's flashbacks over the past few years to where she is at present – running to finish the 26.2 mile race and discovering a stronger self in the process.
1. Chapter 1

26.2 Shades of Anastasia

I love Christian and Ana hearts and flowers stories. I believe the characters will and should be together forever. But this idea/premise came to me after all the "Cheating Christian" stories that have cropped up and the various reviewer responses about what Ana's actions should be and how she should respond. I'm going to try to avoid soap-opera style melodrama, and want to explore the fall-out and aftermath of Christian cheating and separating from Ana from a more realistic point of view. The premise is: Ana goes through the typical reactions of a woman discovering her husband's infidelity and subsequent relationship break-down. She takes up running as an outlet for her emotions and has trained to run the Seattle Marathon. Follow Ana's flashbacks over the past few years to where she is at present – running to finish the 26.2 mile race and discovering a stronger self in the process. Rated M for language and to be safe…I appreciate your reviews. This is my first ever fanfic, so please be gentle! Oh, and I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant, so depending on when baby comes, my writing may become more sporadic. I'll post when I can!

1

****Present****

It's early. Very early. The air is crisp. The sun is shining, but the November chill permeates the air. Ana's breath puffs out, vapors visible. She shivers slightly, grateful for the arm and leg warmers while waiting, knowing they'll be shed by the end of the first mile once she's warmed up sufficiently. There is a crackle of excitement and nervous energy emanating from the crowd. Music is blaring. People are stretching, jogging in place, securing their race bibs, double-tying their shoe-laces. Ana's stomach is in knots, equally nervous and excited.

A tall figure in running shorts and a running jacket moved to Ana's side. " Got your electrolyte drink?"

"Yes."

" Enough gel packs to last you to the mid-way point?"

" Yes, and then some. I've got an energy bar too, just in case."

" Did you eat?"

Ana smiles to herself at the all-too familiar question. "Yes. I felt a little too nervous to choke down breakfast, but managed some oatmeal and half a bagel with peanut butter. That bit of protein should last me."

"Remember – pace yourself – don't go too fast out of the starting gate or you'll burn out too soon. Keep it nice and steady and remember to drink every 10 minutes or you'll start cramping up."

Ana rolls her yes and says sarcastically. "Yes mother."

Adam gives her a playful swat to the rear. "Kick some asphalt out there kiddo!"

"Will do, coach!"

"See you at the half-way point! Call or text me if you need me to come meet you any earlier than that!"

Ana gives Adam a grateful smile and a wave as he disappears into the crowd, her nerves slightly eased by his playful banter and calm instructions. Ana's heart is pounding. _This is it. This is what I've been working towards. Let's make this happen!_

She jogs on the spot to get the blood flowing to her legs. _The first ten minutes are gonna suck. The first ten minutes always suck. But it'll get better, and you can just go with the flow. Just breathe, Ana. Just keep breathing._

It was a mantra she knew all to well and repeated on many different occasions over the last several years.

How the hell did she get here anyway? Ana shakes her head, remembering the blur of events, the roller-coaster of emotions that have led up to this one day. Today she proves to herself what she's made of, and that she is stronger than the curves and pits life has thrown her way.

"All racers to the start line" The disembodied voice of the race announcer floats above the crowd.

Ana stays near the middle to back of the pack. A pacer with a big 3:45 sign on his hat jogs in place and she finds a break in the crowd behind him. She settles in a spot between a man with day-glow green shorts, and a young-ish girl with a pink bandana.

"On your marks….. get set…"

The starter horn blasts.

The crowd eventually surges forwards and Ana's legs start moving, picking up the cadence and rhythm she's trained her body to follow. She crosses the start gates and the timing chip on her shoe makes a faint 'beep' as she steps over the red mat, echoed by dozens of others crossing the start at the same time as her. It's begun. No turning back now.

**** 3 years ago****

It had begun. Without even realizing it, at this moment actions were set in motion that would dramatically affect Ana's life. To Ana, life was beautiful. She was married to the love of her life, mother to two marvellous children, running the show at Grey Publishing, and enjoying all life had to offer.

It was Friday. Christian arrived home from work – eyes dark, tie askew, hair dissheveled. It had been a tough quarter, and the world of mergers and acquisitions had not been kind to him recently. He had explained to Ana that he needed to spend more and more time at the office and satellite locations stabilizing deals and putting out fires. As much as he tried to compartmentalize his life, and keep his work frustrations from bleeding into his family time, he was beginning to fray around the edges just slightly, snapping impatiently at the kids and Ana when he was home, away for days at a time. Ana helped him shrug out of his jacket, rubbing at the knots in his shoulders and planting a gentle kiss on the middle of his back.

"Welcome home, Mister Grey. Another tough day at the office?"

Christian sighed. "Yes. Sorry, baby. Today was… interesting." He shook his head slightly, as if trying to clear a thought.

"Care to share?"

"Nothing you need to worry yourself over." He said lightly and gave a weary smile and waved his hand to dispel her concern. "Where are the kids?"

"I've arranged for Grace and Carrick to take them for the weekend. It's just you and me for the next few days. I'm completely at your disposal for any and all wifely duties, sir." Ana said, bowing her head slightly and peering up at him coquettishly through batted eyelashes.

"hmmmm…. Very nice!" then his face fell slightly. "Shit. I've… I've got some business to tend to in Vancouver tomorrow evening though. I'm sorry. I can't skip it or postpone it. Had I known you'd arranged for this…"

"You never work the weekends, Christian! I'm sorry, I should have told you, or discussed with you, but I wanted to surprise you."

"This is something new that's come up. I'll make it up to you tonight, though, and give you a thorough fucking to last the whole weekend."

"I'd rather you dole it over several days out rather than getting it all at once Mister Grey. We don't often have the house to ourselves for this long."

"I know, I'm sorry. But after I'm through with you tonight you'll need the rest of the weekend to recuperate! I'll make it up to you another weekend, my love."

"This better be good."

"Dinner and then the playroom?"

"Perfect!"

True to his word, Christian exhausted Ana that evening, bringing her body to multiple climaxes at a measured pace – drawing out her pleasure in an exacting way. He knew her body intimately and played her like a fine instrument – pitch perfect, alternating between slow, sweet steady love-making, and furious, animalistic fucking - building to a pounding, clutching, shaking crescendo leaving both of them breathless, heaving, sweaty, and sated. Christian turned to Ana who was exhausted and near unconsciousness and gently ran his finger along the edge of her jaw. "I love you so much" he murmured. Ana smiled weakly and traced her fingers along his lips. "And I, you, Christian. Always."

The next morning he was gone. He returned Sunday evening, distant and distracted once again. Ana shook her head at his polarity and mercurial mood swings, hoping whatever was troubling him would right itself soon, or that he would at least open up to her so she could help him cope. Things slowly disintegrated from there, Christian becoming more withdrawn and absent, the loving and intimate moments more sparse and sporadic, like rays of sunshine that would surprise her randomly, and then disappear behind another heavy cloud. Whenever he was home he tried his best to spend time with the kids. The sex was passionate and fulfilling when he and Ana were together, but they made love infrequently, or not at all on some nights.


	2. Chapter 2

****3 years ago****

"Talk to me Christian"

"I'm fine, Ana. There's nothing to worry about. It's all just… business stuff. Shit you don't need to involve yourself in"

"Bullshit. Christian, I feel like you're miles away, even when you're sitting right across from me. I know business has been rough recently, but I feel like…. I feel so disconnected right now. You won't even talk to me. The kids miss you. You're hardly home. *I* miss you. We haven't made love for almost a week. That's unheard of for you!" Ana jokes gently.

Christian rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry."

"You keep apologizing, but nothing is changing. Do you… do you need to see Flynn?"  
"Oh fuck Flynn, I'm fine. I don't need to line that quack's pockets with more of my money than I already have."

"But Christian…"

"Leave it, Ana. It's fine. It'll be okay. I just need… I just need some time." He placates her with a kiss on her lips, hands cupping her face and looking into her eyes. She is unable to read his expression, but his eyes are dark, clouded and troubled. She presses her forehead to his. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine, Ana. Please don't worry."

And he was gone. Again.

Ana saw Flynn on her own. The good doctor hadn't seen either of them for some time, but was able to help Ana connect with her feelings of helplessness. Ana decided to do some digging. Even though she was not well versed in the world of big business, she hoped to at least get a feel for what he was dealing with. Help him… somehow… with whatever was troubling him enough to keep it from her.

****Present****

Ana rounded a corner. Her breathing was beginning to settle into a comfortable rhythm. She felt like she could go faster, but kept her pace measured and comfortable. Her ipod blared…. A song she picked specifically for the pace. She marvelled at the number of people lining the streets, cheering and hollering, urging their loved ones on. She felt good. Strong, confident, like she could keep going for hours and hours.

_Good._ She smirked to herself. _You're gonna need that energy. Let's keep it going!_

The first hill was just ahead. She tucked her arms in, breathing purposefully, climbing the first of many inclines along the route.


	3. Chapter 3

****Present****

Third mile. Feeling great. Fresh legs. It's like just another weekday run… with a few thousand more people sharing the route with her. Pink bandana girl has kept pace with her, day-glow shorts guy has pressed on ahead. Ana remains behind the pace runner. Her thoughts meander…

****3 years ago****

"So you have no idea where Christian is half the time?" Ana grills Taylor. Embarrassed and at a loss, Taylor gives a shrug.

"Mr. Grey has been requesting I not accompany him for some of his meetings in Vancouver."

"For how long, Taylor"

"The last several months. I've not questioned it. Mr. Grey is more than capable of handling himself. There are no current active threats to him or the family."

"I'm worried, Taylor. He's been moody. Not himself lately. For quite a while, actually."

"Yes ma'am. More-so than usual."

"So you've noticed?"

"I think everyone has noticed."

"Would you please follow him on his next trip?"

"Against his wishes, ma'am? I… I'm not sure if I'm comfortable going against his orders."

"Taylor, I'm asking you - Pleading with you. I need to know what's happening with my husband and whether I should get him some help or be more involved. I have no idea what's going on. I just need to know if he's okay. If he finds out and questions it, I'll talk to him about it. Just see if there's anything amiss, or if it looks like there's any trouble, and I'll figure out a way to deal with it."

"Yes ma'am."

A few weeks later, Taylor meets with Ana.

"I've followed Christian on a number of his Vancouver visits, Mrs. Grey."

"And?"

Taylor pauses, and shifts nervously. "I'm not sure it's my place to… make interpretations, or assume… what type of business Christian is engaging in while there…" he begins.

"Taylor, what have you found?"

He sighs, and looks at the floor. "I had photos taken on the last visit. I… I think you need to have a discussion with Mr. Grey. I'm not sure what exactly he's involved in, but… I think if you're concerned you need to discuss this directly with him."

"What the hell is it? Is it drugs? Something illegal?" Ana's head is swimming. Taylor hands her a manila envelope, but pauses before letting go.

"Please, ma'am. I do not want to be implicated in the fall-out of this. If Mr. Grey finds out I followed him, and had these photos taken…"

"Taylor, I won't rat you out, don't worry. I just want to make sure he's okay."

With that, he takes a breath and releases the envelope. Ana opens the flap and slides out a number of grainy photos and flips through them. Her breath stops, her heart skips, and for a moment, Ana feels as if the floor has given way beneath her.


	4. Chapter 4

****3 years ago****

Ana looks from the photos to Taylor, then back to the photos again.

"Who is this?" she asks, her voice cracking, throat dry from the weight of her discovery.

"I don't know, ma'am. But it's been the same woman he's been meeting with each time I've followed him. Sometimes they go to dinner, and for a walk in a local park as you can see in the first few photos. Sometimes it's to a condominium residence. It's not one that Christian owns, or at least it's not on his records. Once last week it was to a local theatre. As you can see it doesn't appear to be anything dangerous, or malicious, or illegal."

"It looks like they're on a fucking date."

Taylor remains silent, but visibly uncomfortable, implying he feels the same way.

Ana looked at each photo again. Nothing salacious, at first glance they appear innocent even. Christian is in all shots, as is an unidentified woman – young, in her twenties. Perhaps Ana's age. A brunette, like Ana, like all the subs that preceeded her relationship with Christian. But even in the most benign photos, Ana can sense the intimacy between the two. The subtle way his head is cocked towards her, the look in his eyes. There are photos of the two figures huddling close, laughing, conversing. More intimate shots: Christian brushing her lips with his thumb, the unidentified woman's hand on his shoulder, gazing into his eyes. Even more intimate, others show them holding hands, one where Christians lips are pressed against her knuckles, and the worst of the lot, several of the two kissing passionately – their hands tangled in each others' hair, pressed together in a lovers' embrace, oblivious to their surroundings.

"What the FUCK?!" Ana growls to herself, not able to pry her eyes from the photos. She feels as if all the oxygen has left the room, and she finds herself shaking as she flips through the last of the photographs.

"I don't understand…The times he spends overnight in Vancouver, is it with this woman?"

"It seems to be, yes ma'am." Taylor responds quietly.

Ana is quiet, but her brain spins. _This couldn't be what it looks like, could it? There's got to be some explanation…_ but looking at the photos of Christian and the other woman kissing, there doesn't appear to be any other explanation for it.

"Thank you Taylor. I'll discuss this with Christian. And don't worry, I won't mention it was you I sent."

Taylor leaves the room, and with that, Ana slumps to the floor, crushed under the weight of her discovery.


	5. Chapter 5

****3 years ago****

Ana sends Christian a text.

**Are you coming home tonight?**

**C: At some point. Finishing up at the office.**

**A: We need to talk. **

**C: Can it wait? I'd like to finish this up.**

**A: No. It's important.**

**C: What is this about?**

**A: Just come home.**

**C: Fine, I'll be there in an hour.**

Ana has arranged for the kids to sleep over at Grace and Carrick's. She didn't want them to be around in case things got heated while she confronted Christian. Christian had been cordial this week, nothing seemed amiss since his last "business trip" away.

Strolling in the door, Christian called out: "Ana! Kids! I'm home!"

The house was quiet. Ana was in the living room, seated on the couch with the envelope of photos on the coffee table in front of her.

"Where is everyone?"

"Out. I've sent the kids to your parents. I gave security and Gail the night off. It's just us."

"I see!" Christian looked surprised and relieved. He smiled and cocked his eyebrow playfully, his eyes darkening with desire as he loosened his tie. "So this is the important matter you wanted me to come home to, Mrs. Grey?"

Ana remained cold and detached. Unsmiling, she pushed the envelope towards him.

"No. This is."

Confused, Christian picked up the envelope, opened it, and reviewed the contents. The color drained from his face and he drew a breath through his teeth as he progressed through the series of photos.

"Ana, I…"

"Who is she Christian?"

"This isn't what it looks like…"

"WHAT THE FUCK, CHRISTIAN?! You're kissing another woman! How could it be anything other than what it looks like?"

"It's… I never meant it to happen, Ana."

"Are you sleeping with her? Is she a sub?"

"I… we're just…" He runs his fingers through his hair, struggling to find the right words. "She's not a sub."

"Then what is she? Who is she?"

"She's just someone I met…"

"How long have you been seeing her?"

"I can explain…"

Ana bursts into tears, unable to maintain the calm façade she'd hoped to present. The emotions bubbled through to the surface. "You're cheating on me."

Christian remained silent.

"How could you?!"

"I didn't mean for it to happen, Ana. I fought it for the longest time, but… I couldn't help it. It just happened."

Ana's head snapped up in fury. "It just HAPPENED? How does something like that just HAPPEN? I was just minding my own business and then, oops! My dick fell into another woman's vagina! How does that JUST HAPPEN?!"

"It's not just sex, Ana. Yes, I'm sleeping with her, but…. It's… it's…"

Ana drew a sharp breath, feeling as if a shard of ice pierced her heart to the very core.

They both stared at each other in silence.

"It's more than that." Said Christian quietly.

Ana shook her head, the tears streaming down her face. She shut her eyes, as if to shut the very thought of it from her mind and her heart.

"I got to know her gradually. She was managing an account I had been working on. We spent a lot of time working together when the Vancouver offices were going through that rough patch. We have… similar pasts, and she and I just clicked. We connected on a lot of things. I hadn't intended to fall for her, but…"

"You love her." Ana whispered.

Christian was silent. His face betrayed what he would not say aloud.

"Ana…" Christian reached for her.

Ana knocked his hand aside as she stood up abruptly. "No. You promised me. You made a vow on our wedding day to be faithful. To love me."

"I do love you Ana."

"Then WHY?! Why would you cheat on me? Why would seek out someone else? How can you fall in love with someone else if you love ME?"

"We just connected. It wasn't something I was looking for. I didn't intend for it to happen, but…It did. It found me, and overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop it. I love you Ana, but, I couldn't help falling in love with her too. I'm sorry Ana. I don't know what to do."

Ana stared at Christian. "How long did you think you could keep going like this? Me with her on the side?"

"I don't know."

"Were you going to leave me for her?"

"I don't know."

"Were you going to leave her eventually?"

"I don't know."

"So you were just going to keep doing this until, what, until something like this happened? Until I found out and made you choose?"

"Ana, I don't know. I knew I had to make a choice, at some point, but either way it would have been a painful one for me. I didn't intend for you to find out like this."

"Well then I'm making your choice for you." Ana stormed past Christian upstairs.

"Ana, what are you doing?"

"I can't take this Christian. I need to leave."

A look of pain and panic crosses Christian's face. "Ana, you said you'd never leave me."

"And you said you'd be faithful. You said I was the only one you needed. The only one you'd love. I guess we were both wrong."

Ana quickly packed a few items for herself and pushed past Christian towards the front door.

"Where are you going?"

Ana remained silent. She had no more words for him tonight. She got into her car, and drove to a hotel, checking in quickly and shutting herself in with the "do not disturb" sign on the knob. She sat on the floor and finally let the dam burst – sobbing and gasping at the enormity of what had unfolded before her less than an hour ago. Her life had changed suddenly and irrevocably, and all she could do was to sit and cry until she was numb. Ana shed her clothes and donned a comfortable tshirt and yoga pants. She sent a few quick texts: one to Hannah at work to let her know she would not be in the next day. One to Grace and Carrick asking if they could keep Teddy and Phoebe for at least another night, promising she'd give further details she next saw them. She'd worry about what and how much she'd tell them another time. For now, she just wanted to – needed to – forget, or to think about something else. She opened the hotel minibar and grabbed a few bottles of the alcohol that were onhand. She proceeded to down four mini bottles of hard liquor, then crawled onto the bed and under the duvet to curl up and wait for sleep to claim her.

****Present****

Ana's breath quickens and her heart thuds with the flood of memories. She briefly shakes her head to clear it. It still hurts. Like a wound that's scarred over, the pain lingers when she presses on it. She takes a deep breath to clear the thought and to re-set her breathing pattern. _C'mon girl, focus. Water station up ahead! _She spots a crowd of volunteers lining the route, white paper cups in hand. She grabs one with ease as she runs past and downs it quickly. She spots pink-bandana girl ahead, day-glow shorts guy seems to have picked up his pace and is nowhere to be seen. _Okay, almost at mile 6. Another piece like that and you're at the half-way mark. You can do this!_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N - Thank you so much for your patience! Finally an update! Sorry for the huge delay. It's really hard to nurse an infant in one hand, type with the other, and try to answer the never-ending "why" questions my 4 year old rattles off in the background the whole time (while trying to kiss and squish said nursing baby at the same time). It's been exhausting. Not to mention the usual "dealing with a newborn" sleep deprivation and exhaustion.**

**Once again, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to send congratulations on my baby, and very kind reviews for my story. I realize there's very much a love-hate relationship with readers and cheating Christian stories (I should know! I feel the same way!). And that there are now so many of them out there! I hope, as painful as the idea is, that you continue to enjoy (?) my own exploration of the concept.**

**HUGE THANK YOU once again to Jaxfan for being my sounding board, and for the back and forth needed to get un-stuck and to refine this chapter.**

**If you're filled with angst after reading this and are looking for really good, lovey, Christian and Ana stories, may I recommend:**

**On The Rocks by Contrite Shadow**

**Late Night Thoughts 20 Years Later by Netzel**

**Those are the stories I go to when I need my "C and A in love fix" and am looking for a "happy place" when the cheating story-lines are making me all emotional. These are amazing stories – please check them out if you haven't yet done so!**

**I'll also be working on ANOTHER story that contains no cheating and is all about Christian and Ana together and in love, just to balance things out! Keep an eye out for that coming out soon (or as soon as my daughters will allow me the time to write!).**

**As for Ana and Christian ending up together at the end of this story… We'll have to see! I've got an outline for what I'd like to see happen, but things are changing as I'm writing. (Have a little faith though! And keep in mind what I mentioned earlier about being a Christian and Ana lover.) We'll see what shakes out over the next 20.2 chapters!**

**More answers to come.**

**Like a marathon, it can be a long and difficult journey until you get to the end. Without further ado, let's continue, shall we?**

**Present**

6 miles, 10 kilometres done. _First chunk is done! _So far, she remains on the pace she's set for herself, and is still feeling strong and comfortable doing so. Ana smiled remembering when she first accomplished that running milestone. When that seemed like a hugely insurmountable distance to run. Now look at her! _It's amazing what we can adapt to. What becomes the new norm and how much work it takes to get to that point._ She sees someone with a handmade sign ahead: "You trained for this longer than Kim Kardashian was married! Keep it up!" Ana laughed out loud and gave the random supporter a wave. She remembered a time when she scoffed at celebrity marriages and how quickly and easily they seemed to dissolve. There had been a time she believed hers impervious to the same fate. She recalls a line from a song _"How did we get from saying I love you, to I'll see you 'round someday?"_. It's astounding how quickly things can change and one needs to shift to adapt.

**3 years ago**

It's been a few weeks since Ana last saw Christian. He had called, left numerous messages, texts, and emails, but Ana had deleted them all before listening to or reading any of them. Equal parts furious and devastated, Ana has kept her distance, ignoring if not all-out evading her security team which he kept dispatched to keep tabs on her movements and whereabouts. Ana took up temporary residence at the hotel until she could decide on her next steps. As fresh as the emotional wounds were, she couldn't bear to be around the photos and memories lining the walls and saturating every space of her house for those few weeks. She considered finding a new space for herself and the kids, but did not want to act rashly, nor uproot her children so suddenly from the only home they've known. Grace and Carrick have been remarkably supportive, but obviously pained and torn at the situation. Ana spared them the gory details, merely explaining that they're separated for the time being, and that they'd need to speak with Christian to find out why. Ana was still reeling, and picking up the pieces, but found herself running on autopilot just to get through the mundane tasks in life – getting her kids fed and prepped for school, going to work, carrying on as if her world had not fallen apart.

The kids. That was a challenging situation. What should she tell them? They needed some sort of explanation. Living out of the hotel had been an adventure, of sorts, for a little while. Both Teddy and Phoebe were asking about Christian and why they weren't staying in their house. Ana did her best to keep things upbeat and positive.

"We're just taking a bit of a break from the house for a little while."

"But why?" questioned Phoebe.

"It's nice to get a break now and then."

Why?"

"So we can see other places."

"Why?"

Ana stifles the urge to roll her eyes at the never-ending series of "Why" questions her inquisitive 5 year old likes to throw at her. "Because we always stay at our house. It's nice to see other places now and then."

"Like on vacation?" asked little Phoebe.

"Sort of, yes." Ana would figure out how to explain it to them eventually. For now, that was all she could muster.

"When are we going back home? I want to finish building the fort in the playroom for Mister Cubbins." Phoebe stated, squeezing her favourite stuffed bear to her chest.

"Soon, I think." Ana sighed, rubbing at her eyes. She was exhausted and needed to break out of the holding pattern they had been forced into by her grief.

"Where's daddy?" questioned Teddy. "Why isn't he on vacation with us?"

"Daddy's busy. We're taking a bit of a break from him too." Answered Ana quietly.

"Why mama?" asked Phoebe.

Ana sighs heavily. "Just because, baby."

"I miss Daddy." Said Phoebe.

"I bet, honey. Hey, who wants to go for a swim?" And with that quick subject change, Ana moved on and immersed herself in attending to her kids, avoiding the pending discussion about their father for another time.

Needing to figure out next steps involved speaking to Christian, something she'd been avoiding since she walked out. Now that time had dimmed the rage and despair, albeit slightly, she wanted to meet with him in a neutral setting to discuss things. Perhaps things could be patched up? Details and feelings more understood? Did she even want to face the truth?

It was time for some decisions. She finally sent a reply to Christian via email.

From: Anastasia Grey

To: Christian Grey

Subject: Meeting

We need to talk and sort things out. I'd like to book a joint appointment with Flynn, just so we have some sort of mediator.

From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Grey

Subject: Middle ground

Do we have to involve Flynn? Can't we just meet and talk? I miss you. I love you.

From: Anastasia Grey

To: Christian Grey

Subject: Facing our demons

I love you too, but am still furious and upset. I think the type of talk we need to have will open up all sorts of wounds and cans of worms. I'd like to have professional help nearby to help work through that as we go.

From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Grey

Subject: As you wish

Make the appointment. I'll be there.

Anastasia booked an afternoon appointment with Flynn. It had been some time since they were last there together. Flynn was aware of Ana's suspicions, but had not heard from Christian alone for several years. Ana arrived first, Christian shortly after.

"Ana! I've been so worried! I haven't heard from you. Security has had a hell of a time keeping track of you..."

"Save it, Christian. I'm alive. The kids are alive. I'd say I'm fine but we both know that's a lie."

"Ana, I love you. Please, let's talk about this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"That's why we're here. Save your apologies. I need answers. I'm still reeling."

Flynn wordlessly gestured for the two to have a seat. Christian looked anxious and uncomfortable. Ana, equally so. Both sat on opposite sides of the brown leather couch in Flynn's office. The tension in the air was palpable.

"So, what brings you both in today?" Asked Flynn neutrally.

"There have been some new developments since we last met..." Ana began.

"You've been seeing Flynn?" Interrupted Christian.

Ana sighed. "Yes. I had been worried about you, and didn't know what to do. I wanted to work on things for myself and to figure out how to approach you." Christian remained silent.

Ana turned to Flynn and continued.

"The kids and I are not currently living at our home. I've moved us out for the time being after discovering Christian was unfaithful."

"So your suspicions were true?"

Ana could only nod, tears pricked at her eyes, but she clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms to keep them at bay. Flynn shifted his wordless gaze to Christian who merely nodded his confirmation as well.

Ana took a deep breath and continued.

"We need to work out some details. I don't know where Christian stands on things. I've actually not wanted to speak to him in the last few weeks. But I'm feeling stuck, and before I can figure out what direction to go, I need to hear from him. But at the same time, I'm dreading what may come out. I love him, but I'm devastated."

Flynn kept his eyes on Christian. "It's been a while since I've seen you, Christian. Obviously things have changed and evolved for you to engage in an extramarital affair."

Christian looked pained, but finally spoke. "It's been a mix of emotions and experiences for me." He replied. "I know I've hurt Ana. I've hurt the kids. I've hurt my family. It's been hell for me. I've been waiting for the bubble to burst, but I've been in denial I guess, hoping that somehow it wouldn't. I... I don't know what to say, or how much to tell. I've already hurt Ana so much, and I'm hating myself for that."

"She deserves to know. We've spoken many times about the importance of communication."

"It feels like too little too late at this point."

"For her to continue, Ana needs to know where you stand, and that requires an honest picture of where you are, where you've been and what you bring to the table, as well as what you want to see moving forward from here. She deserves the truth, and can only move forward knowing that."

Christian takes a deep breath. Ana can only hold hers. She feels sick, in denial herself, willing time to stop or reverse so she doesn't have to live through the nightmare she finds herself in.

"I met Julie a few months ago. Business has been shitty, and there was a huge upset at a project we're running out of Vancouver. I threw my best people at it, but it got to a point where I had to deal with things personally. She was the point person for it, and we were working together a lot over several weeks. At first I just admired her as an excellent business woman. She's physically beautiful, there was no denying that, but I never set out to pursue any sort of relationship with her. We got to know each other, working so closely. I discovered we have... similar backgrounds."

"What do you mean?"

"She survived a very abusive childhood, much like mine. While I was saved by Grace at the age of four, she was bounced from foster home to foster home until she aged out of the system. She fought and struggled her way to where she is now, putting herself through business school, working numerous jobs the whole time she was studying to achieve her degree, and then fighting tooth and nail to climb the corporate ladder in a short amount of time to get to where she's at now. I admired that. I enjoyed spending time with her, and found myself drawn to being with her, getting to know her more." He casts a tentative glance towards Ana but finds she's intently staring only at a spot on the floor, avoiding any eye contact. He takes a deep breath and continues." I don't want to go into detail, but things eventually escalated to the point where I found myself drawn to her physically as well. It was just so gradual, it seemed... I don't know... meant to be. She needed my love as much as I needed Ana's when we first met. I didn't know how to stop it."

"You didn't once stop to think about me? Your kids? Your family through all this?" Ana interjected, finally looking up to meet his eye.

Christian squirmed, "I did. It pained me to think of it."

"Obviously not enough to consider stopping though. And not enough to keep you from taking time away from us to spend with her." Ana pauses, remembering. "That weekend I sent the kids to your parents and you couldn't stay. Was that so you could go and be with her?"

Christian hangs his head.

"You fucked me on Friday and then turned around and ran to her to fuck her for the rest of the weekend? I think I'm going to be sick." Ana sobs. "Was I ever really enough for you? You can't possibly still love me if you're off fucking her."

"I love you Ana. I love our kids."

"But you CHOSE HER! That weekend. And the next weekend you were away. And the countless days you were "off on business trips" – you chose your mistress over me all those times! You obviously have strong feelings for her too if you've chosen to forsake time with us to spend with her."

Christian could only sit and looked pained. He shrugged, and shakily murmured, "yes, but it doesn't diminish my feelings for you. I've said it, and I'll keep saying it: I LOVE YOU Ana. I love you so much."

"So this other woman wasn't a submissive?"Questioned Flynn.

"No. It's not a dominant/submissive relationship."

"Oh Christian. Vanilla?" This pained Ana more than anything. "Fuck, did you get her to sign an NDA? Did you do a security check? Anything?"

Christian shook his head. "It wasn't that kind of relationship. It didn't warrant... background checks. I told you, it just happened. I didn't give it much forethought."

"Do I need to get tested for STDs? I suppose if you didn't give enough thought to getting NDA's signed and doing background checks, you probably didn't give enough thought to keeping yourself safe. What if she gets pregnant?"

"God, we stayed safe, Ana. I used protection. And she's... she doesn't want kids. She's on the pill. "

"Well for something that just happened, at least you put a little thought into some part of it. Of course it's the part involving your sex organs. And thank god she's on the pill. Wouldn't that be perfect if you knocked her up! You'd have a replacement wife and a replacement family!""

Christian flinched. "Fuck, I'm not looking to replace you, Ana. I wish you'd see that."

"So it sounds like this was more than a physical affair, though. It was an emotional one too?" Queried Flynn. "That makes things much more complicated."

"Yes. I... I think I'm in love with her."

It was Ana's turn to flinch. "Fuck!"

"Ana, she didn't pursue me. It's not her fault. I feel like... I feel like I understand her, and that I needed to be there for her. To show her love, like you showed me."

Ana looked aghast. "Are you saying I prepped you for this? Was that all I was? A stepping stone? A conduit to prepare you for your true love?"

"No. Christ, Ana, you're putting words in my mouth. I don't feel like I've got any control, in any of this. The last thing I wanted to do is to hurt you. You're my life. You and the kids mean everything to me. I'd be nothing, I'd HAVE nothing without you! But at the same time, this – this thing that's developed with Julie... it's like there was something remarkable that came along that I don't feel like I could have stopped."

"We said vows, Christian. Remember? You vowed to me you'd love me faithfully and forsake all others. Hell, you were even monogamous with your subs! You could have stayed away. You should have kept your distance!"

Tears coursed down Christian's cheeks. "Once I got to know her, when we discovered our similar past, I could see she was just like me. I needed to save her. To show her she was capable of love and of being loved. You taught me that, and I felt like I needed to pay that forward."

"This isn't like buying someone in line behind you at the Starbucks a coffee. You can't pay something like this forward without crushing someone else at the same time! What about me, Christian? What about our family?"

"That doesn't change how I feel about you. Or the kids. Can't you see that?"

"People can love more than one person in a lifetime. And you certainly have the capacity to give and receive love from many people, Christian, we've discussed this before. Problems arise, however, when a deeper, significant emotional connection with more than one person happens at the same time, when you're already in a committed relationship." Flynn opined. "Whenever you were with Ana and the kids, how did you feel about Julie?"

Christian mulls this over for a moment. "Guilty. I vowed each time I was heading to Vancouver that I'd not let anything happen. And once things escalated, I promised myself that each time would be the last, that I'd have to end things. But the deeper I got, the harder it was to end things. I eventually couldn't stop thinking about her, even when I was in Seattle. Whenever I was with Julie, it was like I was a different person. I'd think of how happy she made me, how happy we make each other, but then I'd think about Ana, and the kids, and feel guilty again. About hurting Julie, about hurting Ana."

"Hmmm... Interesting. You've compartmentalized the two relationships," Observed Flynn.

Christian gives a sardonic laugh. "Is that what you call it? Is that your professional opinion? All I know is I'm completely torn. I can't say that I love one more than the other, but just that I have love for both and have absolutely no clue what to do without someone getting irrevocably hurt."

"Ana," Flynn says quietly. "Hearing all this, how does that make you feel?"

"Overwhelmed. Angry. Devastated. Honestly, John, I feel like my heart has been torn out. I'm feeling humiliated, and I feel like a failure – That I wasn't enough to keep Christian from falling in love with someone else. That he's chosen someone over me."

"But I haven't – " Christian's rebuttal is interrupted by Flynn raising his hand to stop him. "Let's just give each other the space to have your feelings voiced without argument. Can you acknowledge that's what Ana is feeling and why? She's entitled to her feelings whatever they may be in response to all she's heard."

Christian gives a nod.

"Christian? How are you feeling about the situation?"

Christian is quiet for a while. "Torn. Tormented. Powerless. I feel like I've lost control of everything. And like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place – damned no matter what decision I make."

Ana gives no acknowledgement of Christian's words, other than to give a barely imperceptible nod to move Flynn along.

"So what do we do now?" sighs Christian.

"That's what I want to know too. I'm furious, Christian. Frankly I don't know if I can forgive or forget."

"That will definitely take time, and like anything this complex, involves process." Interrupted Flynn. "I think you both need to be aware of how fresh this all is, and to not make any rash decisions that you'll regret in the future based on how you're feeling at the moment. I'm here for both of you, obviously, to help with the process."

"Falling in love, and sleeping with someone else is a HUGE game-changer, Christian. Especially if you're still currently married to the other person you love." Ana is livid. "I can't live with that. The betrayal, the hurt, the lying, not to mention the heartbreak. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else, and never thought you would either. "

"I don't know what to do." Whispered Christian.

"If you want to work on your relationship with Ana and to rebuild your marriage, it's obvious you need to terminate your relationship with the other woman immediately."

Christian's brow furrows. "I don't know how I would do that. I don't know if I can."

Ana started sobbing. "Then we're done. If you can't end things with her, I can't live with that. Your choice is obvious." Ana's fury and her pride have taken over. The need to protect herself had overshadowed her desire to beg for Christian to choose her; to stay with her. "In fact, I think you made your choice long ago but haven't had the balls to do anything about it – every single time you tweaked your schedule, and lied to us, and made arrangements to be with your mistress instead of your wife and kids. I'd say you made your choice the moment you decided to pursue those feelings. Certainly the moment you decided to sleep with her!"

"But it isn't that simple! I can't leave her, and I can't leave you either."

"Then I'll say it again. I'm making this choice for you. You can't have your cake and eat it too. A decision has to be made, and if you're not willing to end things with her, then I'm ending things with you." The anguish at saying these words is like the bite of a knife at her throat.

"Ana, don't leave me! You said you'd never leave."

Ana steels herself with another shaky breath. As calmly as she can muster, she says, shakily, "For someone with abandonment issues, you don't seem to have much remorse over abandoning your wife and children for another woman. I will not live like this, and your children and I deserve more. So I'm not leaving, Christian. You are. I want you out of the house. The kids need to be back in their own beds, and back in school. We need to be apart, but I'm not uprooting them for this. You need to leave. Immediately. I don't want to see you or hear from you."

"Ana, can we re-visit these decisions at a later time. I still think it's too early and not entirely wise to decide to completely shut Christian out of your lives."

"Perhaps, John. But right now, I think that's what we need most."

"They're my kids, Ana. And that's my home too."

"You can see them on the weekend until I can meet with a lawyer and we can come up with a more formal arrangement. But I don't want you anywhere near me. I can't bear to even look at you right now. This is the least rash thing I can think to do at the moment. Every other thought I've got involves some sort of bodily or physical harm to you and your things. You can live at Escala. Or, hell, go play house full-time in Vancouver now!"

"Ana, Christian, This is obviously just the tip of the iceberg. I know a lot has come up for both of you today. I'd like you both to leave here knowing that things can be worked on, no matter what decisions are made, but that as difficult as our meeting has been, it was important to get everything out in the open. You'll both obviously need some time separately to process everything and to make some very difficult decisions. I think until you're both prepared to meet again as a couple, it would be a good idea to still meet with me individually."

Ana nods.

Christian is pale, and can only weakly nod as well.

"Let's set something up for later in the week."

The bandage had been ripped off. Ana knew what Flynn was saying made sense, but it did nothing to numb the pain of the fresh wounds that had been opened for her that afternoon.

**A/N 2 – GO TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE!**

**Next chapter coming up as soon as I can! A bit more angst, and then things start to get more fun. I promise.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N – Thanks for sticking with my story. And many thanks again for your reviews, follows, and support, as well as your patience. Much as I'd love to update more frequently, my spare time is at a premium. In the maybe 20 minutes of time to myself in a day, the choice to eat/sleep/bathe/clean/cook often trumps writing time. Sorry. I've also been battling some post-partum mood stuff. Colds (me and both girls) + sleep deprivation + post-partum hormone stuff = not a happy time for me. I've been able to harness some of that for this chapter, though, and am taking things one day at a time.**

**If you're looking for quick updates, sorry – not happening. With a baby, a preschooler, and a sick mother, I can't promise anything other than: I'll do what I can when I can, and post when I'm able. If anyone wants to come by to help so I can get some writing done, that would be fabulous! Haha.**

**If you'd like updates, please check me out on Facebook (marpuri fanfiction).**

**You can also join our amazingly supportive FSOG Fanfiction group and connect with me (and other authors and FSOG Fanfic enthusiasts) there!**

**I also wanted to address something else.**

**I'm not entirely sure, personally, why there are so many cheating stories out right now. The characters are kind of like Ken and Barbie dolls, and sometimes it's interesting to see what sorts of situations we can put them in. And like anything, balance is good. The sweet, lovey stories are just so much better and more appreciated when there are angsty, difficult stories out there too. I can tell you that I personally started mine, not to condone cheating, or because I hate the characters or the way things were originally written, or even that I believe Christian would cheat, (because I honestly don't think his canon character would). It was actually in response to a different cheating story – Blurred Lines by CockEyedGopher. That was so painful for me. I was hormonal and emotional, and I think that story scarred me for life! But it inspired me enough to want to write in response to it – to see the situation in a different way and write how I would have liked to see a similar situation happen. So I guess my story is fanfic of fanfic of fanfic LOL. I think perhaps the other authors that are using the cheating theme for their stories have similar responses to other cheating stories – There are so many ways a person can respond to that type of situation, and so many different ways it can unfold, it can be interesting to explore that.**

**The subject of a cheating Christian is a contentious one, and there have been many different opinions expressed, not only on my story, but on others. There have also been a number of suggestions for story direction. By the end of this, a number of you will be disappointed in what I've chosen to do with the characters and storyline. I appreciate all constructive and respectful feedback, and ask that you keep in mind that I (and the other fabulous writers on this site) am human, with feelings and emotions. I do this solely for fun and to flex my creative wings. If you don't like what I'm doing or have done, don't read it.**

**If you're tired of the cheating storylines or the idea of Christian cheating on Ana, here are a few more story recommendations for you (in addition to the others I mentioned in my last chapter author's note):**

**Fifty Shades of Desire by TwiFan999 – Hot story!**

**Signal Fire by bellegrey – Angst, but not cheating angst. So well written. Waiting for the next update.**

**Pebble Beach by Contrite Shadow – One of my favourite Fanfic authors is back with the next instalment.**

**Fifty Shades of All the Tea in China by showdog – a fantastic what-if story!**

**The Red Room by Taylor Charteris – just discovered this AU story and it is SO GOOD!**

**The majority of my story is not about the cheating, however, as the aftermath and the journey Ana (and their relationship) takes after that. Hoping to explore whether reconciliation is possible, and what it takes to get to that from where they are at now. This may be difficult to accomplish in the limited number of chapters, but we'll see where we get to by the end.**

**So here's the next chapter. Sorry, still a bit dark and painful, but things will pick up.**

**As always, EL James owns Fifty Shades of Grey.**

**Present**

Ana tears off the top tab of a packet of energy gel. The consistency is like runny jelly and it tastes like apple pie. She grabs her water bottle from her waist pack and washes down the shot with her electrolyte drink. That should fuel her for the next stretch of the race. She glances at her watch. _Still relatively on pace!_ She smiles. She surveys the runners around her. Neither pink bandana girl nor day-glow shorts guy are in sight. She lost track of them in the last mile, so she's not sure if they're in front or behind her. No matter, new people to watch. The pace runner is slightly ahead of her. She's got him within her sights, so she's happy with that. She mirrors his pace, her footfalls striking at the same time as his.

A tone sounds over the song currently playing through her earphones on her iPhone alerting her to an incoming text message. Fishing her phone from her waist pack, she gives it a quick read before returning it to the pocket:

_Her highness just woke up. Not sure what time we'll be there, but will definitely see you at the finish! Good luck! Run like you stole something ;)_

A laugh bursts forth from her lips like a bubble.

Focusing again on her stride, she continues on.

** 3 Years Ago **

Immediately following the joint session, she quickly and quietly contacted a lawyer. She tried to maintain status quo as much as possible – going to work, getting the kids to school and maintaining their routines, but emotionally she started to close herself off, an attempt to staunch the flow of anguish and despair she felt so deeply. To protect her kids. To preserve herself. Try to, anyways.

"I miss him." Kate took Ana out for lunch the first weekend Taylor drove the kids to stay with Christian for his weekly visit. "I want him home with us. The kids miss him. I want it to be the way it was..." she picked at her salad, unable to eat.

"He does not deserve that satisfaction, Ana. He fucked himself out of every bit of happiness he had with you."

"What if he's happier with her? Why wasn't I enough?" Though she'd asked herself these questions numerous times, the tears still came. "I feel like a failure."

"Babe, there's nothing you did that forced him to do that. He's the one in the wrong. It's the choice he made. YOU're not the failure. HE is. He failed you. He failed your children. Grace and Carrick are really disappointed in him. Elliot too. His little whore can keep him for all I care."

"But he's mine." Ana says quietly. "I still love him, even after all he's done. Stupid, right?"

"Oh hon. He was your first love. You have a family together. Of course you love him. But he fucked that up. Big time. He doesn't deserve your love."

"I'm thinking of filing for divorce."

"Good. You're better off without him. You've got to be strong, Ana!"

Ana's eyes filled with tears. She didn't feel very strong.

Kate put her arm around her friend. "It's for the best. How can you trust him after this? They say 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'. It's best to cut your losses now. Move on."

Ana shrugged. "It's not that easy."

"Do you think he'd reconcile? He seemed pretty on the fence, you said. I'd want one hundred percent from him, but it sounds like he's not prepared to give you that."

"I don't know Kate. We haven't talked since we met with Flynn. Just emails to sort out when he'd see the kids. I haven't wanted to talk to him. He's not made an effort to talk to me. I don't know if he's scared, or angry, or ... or if he's just... given up and moved on with her."

"You just need to cut things off. Quick. Like a bandaid. A pre-emptive strike before he does the same to you. It's better to be on the offensive than the defensive."

Shut things down. Cut off the hurt. Cauterize the wound and then move on. Ana can only give another weak shrug.

Meeting with Flynn for the first time since their joint visit, Ana further explored her feelings.

"How have you been doing, Ana?"

"Not great. Honestly, I'm a wreck, John. I can't stop thinking about him and her together. Or about how deeply in love he and I were, how quickly our relationship started. And I can't stop wondering whether that's what he felt with her. How can I compete with that? When I think of the possibility of whether we can patch things up, I can't help but wonder how we could possibly reconcile when he loves her. There will always be that "what if" hanging between us – what if he still loves her, and is only with me out of obligation."

"Do you think that he would resign himself to a marriage, a lifetime with you if he didn't truly love you?"

"Perhaps."

"I think he is sincere in his love for you, but that he's also very confused right now. Remember, he is very much still an adolescent when it comes to concepts like love. I don't know whether he truly does love this other woman, but that's something Christian needs to figure out right now and something he's working on."

"He said I paved the way for this. I opened him up to feeling love for someone."

"I think, more accurately, you gave him the opportunity to explore that facet of himself. Don't take that as an excuse or opportunity to blame yourself, however. He's a grown man who makes choices and decisions for himself, and he needs to face up to those decisions he made that got you two to this point. I've talked with Christian about that as well. Christian currently has his goals for what he needs to think about and work on. But it would be better if we discuss that when we're all together and when you've both made decisions about what you'd like to do next. Right now, let's discuss what you would like to work on. I'm hearing a lot of self blame from you. That's a very common thing for people who have been cheated on to go through. There are stages that people can go through when faced with something like this. It's very similar to those stages someone grieving a death goes through. Right now, you'll be very vulnerable to feelings of depression, self-doubt, anxiety. Self-blame mixed with these feelings can escalate."

Ana nods in acknowledgement.

"Quite obviously, you've been under an extreme amount of stress. What has that been like for you day-to-day?"

"Some days I feel like I can manage. I put on my game-face and make it through."

"But other days?"

"I feel like I'm treading water, and about to go under. I start to doubt my ability to continue. I hate being so weak right now."

"You may be vulnerable, but you are certainly not a weak person, Anastasia. Depression is a normal response. And judging yourself as being weak for experiencing a normal range of emotions can further exacerbate the feelings of depression. In situations such as these, sometimes people find an antidepressant can be helpful to cope in the short term."

"I don't want to go on any meds, John. I'll get by. You said it yourself, it's a normal thing for someone to go through. I just need to keep myself busy."

"Ana, please consider it. Perhaps not now, but in a few weeks, if you're still struggling, a minimal dose of the right antidepressant medication can go a long way. It's not a permanent thing, just enough to help fill in the holes until you can gain purchase again."

"I'll think about it and let you know." _Be strong, Kate said. I can be strong. I have to be strong._

"Ana, it's also not uncommon for feelings of depression to reach the state where a person may start to consider hurting themselves, or turning to suicide. I have to ask. Have you experienced those types of thoughts?"

Ana swallows. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't think it would be easier just to not wake up, to not have to deal with all of this. If I could just sleep through it all... But I would never, ever do anything to take my own life. I couldn't do that to Teddy and Phoebe." Ana shudders to think of the ramifications of such actions. "Absolutely not."

"Okay. Thank you, I know it's difficult to talk about that, but it's a reality, and I'd like to know that you're safe. If you do start to feel worse, and I know you're not considering suicide now, but should you feel worse, you may find you're unable to keep yourself safe. I'd like to set up a safety plan with you. Essentially, a list of things you would do, if you're feeling worse, to keep yourself safe. In the depths of depression, we can't always think clearly enough to do the right thing. By setting this up now, you've got the steps in front of you to follow to make sure you don't act in a way you'd regret thinking more clearly."

"What would you suggest?"

"You have my numbers. Please call if you are feeling worse, need to talk, or certainly if you are feeling suicidal. Failing that, what other options do you have for speaking to someone if you need to talk?"

"I could call Kate, I suppose. Or my mother."

"Great. And there is always the option of going to the emergency room if you're feeling like you wouldn't be able to stop yourself. Hopefully it won't reach that level, but in case it does, please keep that in mind as a step you'd take."

"Yes, if I'm feeling badly enough."

"Here are a list of crisis line numbers also. They're an excellent resource for someone to talk to if I'm unavailable. Now, are there any activities, or things you could do for self-care when you're starting to feel badly?"

"I suppose I could go for a walk, or take a bath, calm myself down. Something physical."

"Excellent ideas. Do you feel that you could do any of those steps if you find yourself feeling worse?"

"Certainly."

"Self care is most important. I know you're now juggling the kids without Christian. Do you need help with that?"

"Grace and Carrick have been very accommodating when I need time away from the kids. Kate and Mia also."

"Your homework for the next few weeks is to focus on your self-care, Ana. With all of the daily logistics you're juggling, do you think you could make it a point to schedule something in for yourself?"

"I could try."

"I'd like to hear from you, the next time we meet, how that's been going."

"I'll see what I can do."

"We'll meet in a few weeks and re-assess. Have you been in contact with Christian about meeting together again?"

"No. I've not spoken to him directly since the last time we were all here."

"You'll need to arrange that with him. I would like to see you both again soon."

"I'll work on that too, John."

. . . . .

In the following weeks, despite her best efforts, she found herself shutting down even further, emotionally. The self-doubt and low mood festered and grew. It changed into a more all-encompassing depression that engulfed her and colored every thought with its poison.

She was like a floundering vessel at sea, gradually shutting down extraneous actions and emotions, keeping just enough energy to power only the most essential functions. She could take care of the kids, push some food into her own mouth, make herself presentable, show up at work. But eventually found her ability to perform even those actions slowly eroding. She didn't want to further burden her family and friends. She wanted to be strong. If she just tried hard enough, she felt she could will it into actuality.

Gradually, however, she lost her ability to smile, to laugh, to see the positives in herself and hope in her future. She tried to keep it all inside, but found herself running short on patience, snapping at the kids, unable to contain her anger.

Ana felt like the worst parent on those days. She could see the hurt and the damage she herself was causing, but all she wanted to do was retreat into a little ball and shut everything out.

She found the drive to make decisions diminishing daily. She wanted to sleep, to avoid thinking about Christian, the hurt, the tumult their family had been pitched into. But even restful sleep eluded her. Plagued by nightmares, she wondered whether Christian was experiencing this pain as well. This led to thoughts of whether he was with the other woman, and that triggered a new wave of anxiety and despair. She hadn't seen him, or heard from him after the first week or two after their meeting. She went back to avoiding contact, save for minimal emails to arrange visitation. She needed to arrange something more formal, but that became another task on the growing list of items she pushed aside for lack of energy.

Eventually, she found she was losing her ability to care for her surroundings, to care for herself, to care about anything. Her head was in a cloud. Her limbs felt as if they were made of lead. The edges were fraying and fast becoming threadbare. She felt numb, with no desire nor motivation to do anything, her light dwindling.

As hurt as she was, she missed him. She wished for her "happily ever after" back. She wished he had never met Julie. She wished it was all a dream. Her emotions vaccilated between hatred towards him and the other woman, and longing and desire for him, craving his touch, but more than that, longing for and mourning the loss of his affection, his devotion.

She felt as though she was missing a limb.

Like mourning a death.

It certainly was that. The death of the life as they knew it. How do you recover from that?

It all seemed so hard, so pointless.

She couldn't stop the swirl of thoughts, the images of him with the other woman, the what-ifs, the uncertainty of their future.

Six weeks after the joint meeting, two months after "D-day", Ana found herself in the deepest emotional hole she had ever been in. It eclipsed any of the other fights and break-ups they had endured in the past. She wished she were dead, just to escape this hell she was in. It would be so easy. She found herself contemplating the various methods she could employ. Pills? Hanging? Throw herself in front of a bus? Start the car in the garage while the kids were at school, keep all the doors and windows closed, and just sit until she succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning? The sound of her children playing downstairs kept her from moving those thoughts any further.

No.

She couldn't.

She wouldn't.

Hot tears slid down her cheeks.

It would be so easy, but she could never do that to her kids. The thought of them coming home to discover her dead was enough for her to shake her head to clear the thought.

She had to get out of the house, out of her head. She needed to do something right now to stop the thoughts from circling.

Resolved, she called Kate. "I know it's short notice, but I really need to get out of the house for maybe an hour. Can you come by?"

"Of course! I'll be there in fifteen minutes.

She frantically dug into her closet, and found an old pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She retrieved an older pair of runners from a shelf and tied them on.

Upon Kate's arrival, she gave the kids a quick kiss and left.

_What do I do now?_

_Don't think._

_Just move._

She turned, not caring which direction she went, picked up her feet and started running.


	8. Chapter 8

******A/N - Sorry for the delay. Here's a non-angsty chapter for your patience. Meatier stuff and answers are coming. For now, enjoy!**

**I own nothing. **

* * *

**Chapter 8**

***Present***

One of her favourite songs came on her ipod. It had a slightly slower pace for running, but the words made her smile and reminded her of the love of running she had come to develop.

_If you're lost and alone_

_Or you're sinking like a stone_

_Carry on._

_May your past be the sound_

_Of your feet upon the ground_

_Carry on._

_Carry on, carry on._

The entertainment along the route was good. Ana felt herself buoyed by the energy of the crowd and the vibrant music, but it was also nice to have the songs she trained to pushing her forward as well. Her limbs felt loose and comfortable. This was her favourite part of the run. She was coming to the portion of the race where she knew she'd have to push herself, no matter how hard she trained, but at this number of miles, she felt like a "runner", in the zone, in a state of Zen. It hadn't always been like that.

***3 years ago***

She ran.

It was awkward.

All of the pent up tension, sadness, and anger tempered back a fraction. For the first time, Ana was keenly aware of something other than her misery and the mental fog she had been in for the past few months. She was much more focused on the burning in her leg muscles and the constriction in her chest.

Up until that point, Ana had always been an infrequent runner. Usually, around new Years for a few weeks as a resolution, or whenever her jeans started to feel a bit snug. Whenever she needed to sort things out in her head, she'd sometimes put in her ipod, throw on her runners, and go for a quick jaunt for a few blocks. Those excursions usually ended with her sitting in a coffee shop nursing a cup of tea having abandoned the notion, followed by a few days of sore shins and handy excuses for not running again.

When faced with her overwhelming depression, given her promise to Flynn to do something before acting on thoughts of suicide, she opted for some physical activity over the other items on her safety plan. Running was a readily available option.

She found herself running from the emotional pain, and trying to use the physical pain to block it out.

_Don't think._

_Just move._

_Fuck. This would be so much easier if it didn't feel so awful._

Her lungs were on fire.

Her legs felt like lead.

Her heart was jack-hammering a frenetic staccato in the confines of her chest.

She could feel her muscles tightening painfully already.

Nagging doubts and worries haunted the periphery of her stream of consciousness, seeping in and hovering like smoke.

_Just think focus on what you're doing, _

_Left._

_Right._

_Left._

_Right._

She persisted, running full tilt, pushing herself as hard as she could bear it, the sound of her breathing and footfalls eclipsing the thoughts that threatened to breach her consciousness yet again. Her laboured breathing hitched. Each gasping breath, another fiery knife in her chest. A dull ache crept behind her eyes and her stomach lurched.

_Stop._

_STOP!_

_No. Keep going. Push past it._

_I can't. I can't._

She slowed to a walk, her shin muscles tight and burning in protest.

_Why did I think this was a good idea?_

_Fuck it. This is stupid. _

_Oh._

_Wait._

Ana's stomach gave another sickening lurch. Finding herself at a neighbourhood park, she propelled herself to the nearest bush as she heaved and expelled the contents of her stomach.

_Okay, no. THAT was stupid. And embarrassing._

Having pushed herself too far, too fast, her body gave a mighty protest to her sudden demands for physical exertion. A comedy of errors, the sky then opened up and began to pour on her.

_Brilliant._

She sat back on her heels, the cool rain falling on and around her. She laughed at the absurdity of her situation.

_Only one thing could make this worse._

"Whoa. Are you okay?"

_An audience. Perfect._

Ana looked up to see short cropped brown hair, a stubbled chin, and warm brown eyes looking back at her with great concern.

_Oh son of a goat-fucker. He's cute too._

Ana swiped at her mouth, mortified.

"I'm fine. Horribly embarrassed, but fine. I just over-did it, that's all."

He held his hand out to help her up. "Here, let's get out of the rain and make sure you're okay. You look like you may need something to drink." They headed to a picnic shelter a few steps away and he offered her his water bottle out of his waist pack.

"I'm fine."

"You just chucked in a bush. You need to drink something. And here –" He pulled a power bar out of the same waist pack. "You should probably have at least a few bites of this too."

Ana took the offerings graciously.

"It can be easy to over-do things when running."

"Well, in case you couldn't tell, I'm not much of a runner." She said as she chewed the power bar slowly.

"I've seen all kinds. Usually people end up bonking like that if they push themselves harder than they're ready for."

"That would be me."

"New to running?"

"Yeah. I don't think it's my thing."

"Oh, don't let something like that throw you off of it! Even seasoned, elite-level runners hit the wall from time to time."

Rolling her eyes, she countered, "Oh boy, doesn't that make me want to take it up all the more!"

He laughed. "Running is great. I'm a bit biased, but it can be an amazing outlet."

She pushed his water bottle and the remainder of the power bar back towards him. "I don't think I'm doing it right. I can't focus on anything but the searing pain. And the inability to breathe. And the vomiting. Can't forget the vomiting."

He laughed again. "That's the point!"

She gave a sceptical head-shake. "It doesn't sound that appealing to me."

"I've been using running as cheap therapy for years! Going for a long run gets me in an almost meditative state sometimes. You can just go and go and let your mind wander and drift."

"Until you feel like your legs are going to fall off. Which in my case is –" she looked at her watch. "about five blocks and eight minutes, apparently."Ana blushed. "Now that's just plain pathetic."

He shook his head. "I was about the same when I started, years ago."

"I find that hard to believe, the way you wax poetic about running now." _And the way your butt looks in running shorts. _

He laughed. "No, it's true! I was a great big fattie!"

Ana cracked a smile and snickered, despite herself.

"But you've got to start somewhere. I did a gradual, learn-to-run program and went from barely being able to run a block to running my first 5K. Then eventually a 10K. After a few of those, I did my first half marathon. Then a marathon, and even an ultra-marathon."

"There are runs longer than a marathon?" Ana asked, incredulously.

"Yup. The one I did was 100K"

"Wow. That's crazy!"

"It was a great accomplishment, but I stick with half and full marathons mostly now, with some trail running and a few 10k's for fun."

"Fun." She repeated, sarcastically.

"It is! I've seen the world with my running, met and kept some amazing friends. It transformed me."

_Who wouldn't want that?_

"Look, if you don't believe me, come and try out a learn-to-run clinic for a few weeks at my shop. A new training session starts next week, actually." He pulled a business card from his waist pack. "My name is Adam, by the way."

"Ana." She shook his hand and looked over his card. "The Run Inn?"

Adam shrugged. "Gotta love a good pun!"

Ana rolled her eyes good-naturedly.

"The other options were 'Run Amok' and 'Shoe Me The Way'. In desperation, I very nearly called it 'My Feet Hurt, I Need New Running Shoes' but it wouldn't fit on the business cards. 'The Run Inn' was the best I could come up with. Cheesy name notwithstanding, we've got everything you need there. Proper shoes, new gear, running advice."

"What's wrong with my shoes?"

"The right gear can make a big difference. I'm not judging you! Or your shoes. What are those, Nikes? From a few years ago?"

Ana nodded.

He grabbed one of her feet and held it up for inspection.

"Looks like you're an over-pronator. See the wear patterns here? You'd need something with a bit more support in the arch and motion control heel. Trust me, finding the right pair of shoes for running will change your life! It'll feel like you're running on brand new feet."

"I don't know –"

"Hey, I'm not trying to make a sale or anything. Just sharing the love of running." He said, shyly. "Seriously, try out the clinic. If it's not your thing, then so be it. But I swear, you'll learn to love it. I've made many converts over the years!"

"What's it like?"

"Well, it's a group format. You are with other people that are about the same pace level. For a beginner, you'd be doing gradually increasing running intervals or several weeks. It's meant to get you used to running for longer and longer periods gradually. So you start with a very do-able 30 seconds running, 5 and a half minutes of walking for six repeats, and the following week t increases to 1 minute of running and 4 minutes of walking. After twelve weeks, you're at the point where you can run a full hour, non-stop."

"That seems impossible to me right now."

"Have you heard of that boiled frog metaphor?"

"Isn't that meant to illustrate how people can get into trouble because they don't notice gradual changes? Like how a frog put immediately into boiling water hops out right away, but if he starts in cool water and the temperature is gradually increased, he doesn't notice it and before he knows it... bam. Frog soup."

"Exactly. Before you know it... bam. You're running for an hour!"

"But wouldn't that metaphor prompt me to want to avoid the end result? Like a frog would want to avoid being boiled?"

"Okay, maybe not the best metaphor." He thought a moment. "Ah! Got it. How do you eat an elephant?"

"What?" Ana laughed.

"How do you eat an entire elephant?"

"Why would I want to eat an elephant?"

"Because they're delicious. But seriously. If you wanted to eat an elephant, how would you go about doing that?"

Ana shrugged. "Elephant soup?"

"It's too big to devour at one go, so you'd have to eat it one small bite at a time, right? It's the same with running. Or anything, I guess. One small step at a time. Learning to run a marathon and learning to run, period is the same thing, it's merely a series of small steps, one after the other." Adam's eyes gleamed with enthusiasm.

Ana could not help but smile. "You make a good sales pitch. I don't know about the animal/food metaphors though. Frog soup? Elephants?"

"Whatever works!"

"So, how often does the group meet?" She asked, her curiosity piqued.

"You meet up with the group once a week, and you do a few runs on your own too. Although, a lot of folks end up meeting up with members of their group outside of the main training days for those extra runs. It gets lonely sometimes. The whole clinic is for twelve weeks."

Ana considered it. As awful as her first run experience was, talking to Adam made the prospect of running regularly, and liking it, a very attainable possibility. It would be nice to get her mind off of her life and its complications.

"Okay, okay! I'll give it a shot."

Adam beamed. "Aw, that's great! You won't regret it. There's a few spaces left in the Sunday morning clinic. Give us a call to register."

"I will."

"Promise?"

Ana nodded. "I'll give it a try." She looked at her watch and shivered. Having cooled down from her exertions, she felt chilled. "I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from your run."

"Ah, don't worry about it. I was just about done, anyway."

They stood up and Ana winced at the pain developing in her leg muscles.

"You're going to want to ice and elevate your legs when you get home. There's a lot of micro-tears in the muscle fibers that need to heal, and there'll be a build-up of lactic acid for a few days. Take some Ibuprofen. And get a massage, if you can. Make sure you stretch them well too."

_Great. The pain will either get my mind off my misery, or add to it._

"Thanks, Adam. I will."

"So, I'll see you next Sunday?"

Ana nodded. "See you then."

Ana strolled home, limping as fast as her rapidly stiffening muscles would allow. She cursed her lack of athleticism, but felt buoyant at the thought of starting the new activity.

The phone buzzing in her shorts pocket startled her. Her lightened mood was instantly countered by a gnawing ache in her stomach when she spotted the caller name.

"Hello Christian." She answered.

* * *

**A/N 2 - song lyrics at the beginning are from ****_Carry On_**** by Fun.**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N - I have the most incredibly patient followers. Thank you.**

**Here's the next installment of "The Jogging Story" (Thanks Caterwaul!)**

***Present***

Ana spotted something strange ahead of her. A broad, middle-aged man was running the race in a pink unicorn costume. She had to look twice to confirm it, but indeed, it was the biggest man she had ever seen wearing a fluffy, pink unicorn costume. While running a marathon, no less!

_Why on earth would anyone do that? It looks awfully warm and much more trouble than it's worth. _

As she passed him, she noticed the huge smile on his face, and was tickled to see others break out into enormous grins as they saw him. Pinned to his chest was a purple "Team in Training" bib worn by those that trained and fundraised for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, "For Sean" written in red marker at the top. It seemed there were as many reasons to run this marathon as there were participants.

It was very surreal, but heart-warming. As she ran, she suddenly became aware of someone jogging uncomfortably close to her. In her personal bubble, this person was impossible to ignore. She turned.

Oh. Day-glow shorts guy. _What the fuck?_

"So do your feet hurt?"

Ana pulled an earbud out and leaned in closer. "What?"

"Do your feet hurt? Because you've been running through my mind all day!"

Ana stared, dumbfounded.

"You know, I'm not a photographer, but I can picture us together!" He said with a wink and a leer (which seemed not so smooth and effortless while running).

The perplexed and disgusted look on Ana's face didn't stop him.

"Hey, do you wanna get out of here?"

"Look, I don't know who you are..." Ana began.

"Jake. Nice to meet you. And you are?"

"Trying to run a marathon, not get picked up." She countered, dismissively.

"Aw, come on, pretty lady. Say, is your dad an astronaut?"

Ana shook her head and picked up her pace, angling herself through the other runners to get to the far side of the road.

"Because your butt is out of this world!" he called after her. "Hey! Where are you going? I hate to see you leave, but I sure do like to watch you run away! Hey! Do you serve fries with that shake?"

"Go fuck yourself, Jake!" She called over her shoulder.

"Hey there, Fancy Face" She heard him moving on to the next girl he caught up to. "Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for. Wanna go get dicmatized?"

_Unbelievable!_

_This has been an odd mile_. She mused. It appeared some reasons for running were less noble than others. At least it got her mind off the running for a little while. Aware that she was now out of flirting range from day-glow shorts guy, she brought her pace back down to a comfortable tempo. Taking a swig from the water bottle in her waist-pack she continued on.

***3 years ago***

Ana was flooded with conflicting emotions upon seeing Christian's name appear on her cell phone screen for the first time in months.

What do you say to the man who broke your heart? Not just broke it, but tore it to shreds, stomped on it, and then left it on the curb with the trash? What do you say to the man who maintained radio silence for two months (except for terse emails or brief instructions via his security detail when they picked up or dropped the kids)?

"What do you want?" Ana tried to remain calm and collected, though she shivered so hard she chewed on her thumbnail to keep her teeth from chattering. She wasn't sure if she trembled because of her emotions, or from the rain and evaporating perspiration, but she wanted to hide any sign of weakness, nonetheless.

She could hear him shift as if taken aback. "Ana. It's been a while. How have you been?" He asked tentatively.

Why now? Ana figured after she cut him loose the last time they met with Flynn, he'd moved on to... she couldn't even stand to think of her... the bitch-slut other woman. Especially given his lack of communication, she assumed he had moved on using getting kicked out as a perfect opportunity to be with her. Just when she'd had a brief reprieve from her depression, he surfaced. She wanted to unleash her fury, to bury him under the hurt and anger and heartache his actions had heaped upon her, but she had no words. Besides, there was not nearly enough airtime on her cellular plan to accommodate that discussion.

"I'm fine."

Her terse response was met with awkward silence.

"I'd like to meet with you. Maybe..." He cleared his throat. "Maybe we could meet with Flynn?"

Did he want to get back together? Was he actually looking to try to patch things up? "When?" She replied.

Christian let out a breath. "Friday? I can pick up the kids for the weekend after that."

She supposed it was necessary, even though she dreaded having to face him and dredge up all the horrid details again. "Sure," she finally conceded.

"Ana, I –"

"I'll see you Friday." With trembling fingers, she hit 'end' to terminate the call. The cloud was back. She, herself, had been putting off meeting with him in a head-in-the-sand attempt to avoid facing the hurt and re-opening her wounds.

Upon arriving back at the house, she went immediately to the bathroom and started a hot shower. Though it warmed her skin and soothed her aching muscles, it did little to calm the wave of anxiety cresting within. Perhaps she did need to discuss medication with Flynn, to fill in the gaps. Sighing, she shut off the taps and prepared to return to "mommy mode" and send Kate back home.

* * *

Before he could complete his thought, he was met with a terse "I'll see you Friday", then a click and silence.

_That went about as well as could be expected. At least she agreed to meet._

Christian threw his Blackberry down on his desk and buried his head in his hands. _Fuck._ Too many sleepless nights created dark hollows under his eyes. Disheveled and unshaven, he rubbed at his temples, trying to rid himself of the dull ache that settled there. Without Ana, restful sleep eluded him as the nightmares plagued him, yet again. He was haunted by not only the pimp, but now by Ana, his kids, Julie. No one but Ana could soothe him, he knew that now. He was in a hell of his own construction.

For the millionth time, he cursed himself, his stupidity, and his arrogance. He had convinced himself, at first, that his heart was in the right place. That somehow his actions were justified because of noble intentions. In Julie he saw himself: A kindred, tortured soul; a loveless past. The only other person he knew who felt as unloved and undeserving as he did. The pull to save her, to give her even an ounce of the love he'd managed to feel in his life was almost impossible to resist.

_Love._ Christian smiled bitterly. Was it really love? Did he love her? At one point he thought he might. Perhaps he did, in some way. His time alone over the last few months afforded him the clarity and hindsight to see his feelings for Julie for what they truly were.

Lust.

Infatuation.

A misguided attempt to capture the thrill of falling for someone.

A shining example of his arrogance and selfishness fucking everything up.

Things between him and Julie started innocently. Neither pursued the other outright. They got to know each other during the business crisis at his Vancouver offices when they first met. Details of one another's histories came up during the course of their conversation, and they struck up a friendship forged by the bonds of the similar past that they discovered. He initially denied the physical attraction, until his curiosity became obsession. There was an illicit draw that swept him up and ignited the first blush of attraction - something that had faded during the seven years of marriage with Ana and had evolved into familiarity and complacency. With Ana, their relationship felt comfortable, passionate at times, certainly, but that first thrill of falling in love was something he chased with Julie once he had a taste.

The chase. The hunt. The rush of those first heady pangs of flirtation and desire. Denying it made the temptation burn even brighter. Curiosity stoked those flames. The risk and taboo added further fuel. Having never experienced that degree of infatuation and the feelings that accompanied it prior to Ana made him equally keen and attuned to it, as well as ignorant of the subtle differences between love, lust and infatuation.

He liked when he made her smile. He liked that he had broken through her shell. She lit up. He transformed her. He enjoyed the intimacy of their talks and conversations. He was alarmed at first by the pull and the draw he had to her. But at the same time, the more he resisted, the more alluring the prospect of a relationship with her became. He was fascinated; he wanted more.

The rush of falling in love. Ana had been the only one he'd experienced that with. Prior to her, it was all business, contracts, NDA's and hard limits. The flirtation, the yearning, the thrill of the first few heady weeks. These moments were stretched out because of lack of proximity and infrequent meetings. Distance inflated this and made the forbidden fruit all the more tantalizing. How ironic that had he never fallen in love with Ana and learned that it was possible, he would have never forged the connection with Julie.

_Just once. _ He had tried to convince himself. _It's not for you, it's for her. You're doing this for her. Get it out of your system, no one will know. _His face now burned with shame to think of it. Even on the drive over for his first time with Julie, he almost convinced himself of the illusion of being in control. After making love with Ana, he was determined that his visit would be to end things with Julie, but the lust won out. All reason went out the window. His logical brain was sat upon by it's much larger, primal brother. (Quite obviously the same one controlling his dick, and the one that had him convinced he could get away with the affair.) He may have deluded himself into thinking his actions were noble, but honestly, the way she made him feel – powerful, in control - it was an enormous rush and he couldn't resist that.

_Why, Christian? How could you? _He asked himself again and again. _How could you do that to Ana?_

He cringed as he thought of the confrontation with Ana. The day he'd come home and she threw evidence of the affair in front of him. He could not forget the look on her face. All the physical and mental torture he'd ever endured could not compare to what he felt when she confronted him that night. She looked devastated. Crushed. Decimated. Knowing he had caused that pain made him want to gouge his own eyes out. _Stupid. How could you be so fucking stupid? _Caught off guard, he had been rendered speechless. Not that there was anything he could do or say at that moment to make things right.

_Are you sorry I found out or sorry you had the affair to begin with? _She had asked him that. Shocked at being discovered, he was certainly sorry that it had all been uncovered. As time unfolded, his shame over the entire relationship surfaced. He was angry she found out the way she had. He was even more angry at himself for having done it in the first place.

He knew she was angry. He couldn't blame her in the least. His affair was tantamount to an outright betrayal of her love and their vows. Shutting him out of her life was a significant retaliatory blow – one which made the bloom fall off that rose of his relationship with Julie all the sooner. His banishment from their lives was like a bucket of water on the flames of his ardor for Julie. Since then, when he looked at his mistress, it was as if the soft candle-lit glow on the illicit relationship had been replaced by the harsh glare of a halogen spotlight; the curtain whipped open exposing the sordid coupling to the realities of daylight – every flaw and blemish magnified, reality versus the romanticized infatuation he had created. He would have realized it eventually. That it came sooner rather than later made him no less the wretch. Even if the affair had gone undiscovered, he would have still lived under the burden of his guilt.

During one of his moments of reflection while embroiled in the affair, Christian toyed with the thought of what life would be like leaving Ana for Julie. He quickly dismissed the notion. He couldn't imagine being apart from Ana, giving up his life with her for anyone. She knew he was married. She had made mention in passing her desire to be with him, for him to choose her over Ana, but he had always shut that notion down, and they tried not to dwell on that when they were together. On some level, he was able to recognize that what he had with Julie was temporary and had to end at some point. He knew he would have needed to cut ties eventually, but was still caught up in the novelty and thrill of it. The distance made it easier for him to forget, or avoid thinking about, exactly how much he was destroying his family. _Just one more time. I swear. Then that's it._

"Your relationship with Julie is akin to a drug addiction. You're chasing the feelings she evokes, not the person." Flynn had explained to him in one of his sessions. After the shit storm, he swallowed his pride and begrudgingly sought his counsel again. "You can't see it for what it is because you are too close to it right now. Give your relationship with Julie some distance and time. If you want to focus on your marriage with Ana, that is a must. If it's what's meant to be, you'll know. If it is merely infatuation, you'll come to discover that as well."

Withdrawal from Julie, like a withdrawal from drugs, was a bitch.

He quit. Cold turkey.

"I can't see you anymore. It's over."

"What? Why?" Julie blanched and began to cry. "Is it her? You're staying with her?"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... we shouldn't have ever started."

"I love you, Christian. I thought you loved me too."

"I love my wife. I've hurt her far too much. This should have never happened."

"What about me?" Julie was shaking. Raw emotion burned in her eyes. "You're killing me, Christian!"

"This wasn't a long-term thing, Julie. You knew that. I could never leave my family. And you made it clear that wasn't what you wanted either."

"I only wanted you. But if that's what you want... Family? With me? Is that what you want? If that's what's keeping you from staying with me..." Panic. Desperation. She clutched at his shirt.

Christian shook his head and gently pried himself from her grasp "No. Julie. Please don't get me wrong. This was a huge mistake. I'm sorry. I love my wife. I've always loved her. I never should have started things with you. And I'm sorry to have hurt you, but it's over. " He looked her once more in the eye. "It's over."

Julie cried. "You said you were falling in love with me."

Christian took a deep breath. "You were a great friend, and I cared for you as a person, but I know now that I don't love you. I was wrong. I love my wife. I never stopped loving her. I..." He struggled as he saw the pain etched on her face. The tangled web created more hurt than good. All his actions produced, in the end, were more pain for everyone. _Was it worth it? _"Look, you're a beautiful woman, Julie. Don't get me wrong. I hope you find someone that loves you, because you're worthy of that. You are. But it's not me. I realize this now. And I'm so sorry I let things go as far as they did. It's not fair for you. It's certainly not fair for my wife or my family."

"Asshole."

_No argument there._

"I hope you understand, Julie. I'm sorry."

"Fuck. Christian." Julie wept. Christian stood there awkwardly. The urge to comfort her was there, but he knew it would complicate things, and he promised he would cut things off cleanly.

"I knew this day was coming. I tried to fool myself into thinking it wouldn't, that you'd leave her and be with me, but that just doesn't happen in real life, does it?"

Christian shrugged. "I don't know what to say."

"Just go."

"Are you... Will you be okay?"

"You should go. Just go."

Christian left quietly. There was no need to draw it out further. Things were already a huge mess.

He had later consulted with his lawyers who had spoken to Julie after he broke things off. It felt cruel to settle loose ends with her that way rather than in person, but it was for the best. There was no NDA, but a settlement was offered for her silence. He cursed himself endlessly for his monumental mistake. His life, a precarious house of cards, was falling around him. The aftermath had begun. Who knew when it would end and what else it would bring?

He wondered if this was how it felt to die by accident. The way his stomach dropped every time he thought of what he'd done and its ramifications – was that what a person felt when they chose to swerve left instead of right? Gun the engine through the yellow light instead of slow to a stop? That "oh shit" moment - deciding on a trajectory, then realizing too late that it was the wrong one?

The months since he'd last met with Ana were excruciating. He wanted to give her space. He kept tabs on her via security, but he didn't know how to approach her to beg forgiveness. It killed him to have no contact with her. He drove by the house when he could, just to see the lights on, and to wonder what they were doing inside. He gave her space, per Flynn's suggestions, but was half-crazy with worry. In the comfort zone of the latter years of their marriage, he had taken Ana for granted. The old adage: _You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone_ – he was living it. His only solace: the all-too-brief weekends with his kids. Their pain from living in a suddenly broken family added to his list of inflicted wounds. Their tears upon leaving him, their pleas to return home (which he always attempted to deflect as gently as possible) – another reminder of just how badly he fucked up and how desperately he wanted to get things right again. The rest of his family he kept at arms length to avoid the reproachful looks he was certain to receive (to say nothing of the verbal if not physical evisceration he'd likely get from his sister-in-law).

Christian sat in his office at Escala – his home since the split. Eyeing the photo slide-show screensaver that popped up on his computer, he felt the burn of shame and regret in his chest as the smiling, happy images of his life, his family, all he threw away, flickered past. He slumped, rubbing at his stubbled chin, wishing away his arrogance, his foolish mistake, the delusional fog he'd been in for months. What a colossal fool he'd been. What a fucking asshole. He prayed there was still a chance for them, that she could find it in her heart to forgive him, that they could salvage all he had destroyed.

Fully aware, now, of the gravity of his folly, Christian was eager to atone and make amends. He was eager to see Ana, to set things right and get on track. He knew it would be no easy feat, and dreaded facing her ire. More-so, facing up to the devastation he caused.

He had made his bed; now he was lying in it - but damn it all if he wasn't going to go down fighting. He wanted Ana back. He would do anything to make her see that. He didn't deserve her love again, but he would die trying to regain it.

* * *

Ana felt numb. She shuffled in, her muscles still stiff from her inaugural run. As Adam had predicted, she was in a world of pain for a few days afterward. By this point, the soreness was greatly reduced, but she still walked with a bit of a limp. She hoped she would do okay on Sunday, her first day of run training which she was oddly looking forward to. At least she was now able to move without every muscle screaming in protest.

Christian eyed her with alarm. "Anastasia!" He jumped up, reaching out to help her. He appeared shocked at her appearance. She had lost weight. The depression had robbed her of energy and vigor. Despite the makeup she threw on to try to appear presentable, she looked like crap and she knew it. The shin-splint hobble was icing on the cake. She could tell he was holding himself back from chastising her for not taking care of herself.

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Annoyed, Ana waved off his offer of assistance. Ana looked over Christian as well, noticing that he, too, looked a shambles. His hair was too long, he'd also lost weight. It gave her some modicum of relief to note that he, too, appeared to have been suffering.

"Ana. Christian." Flynn greeted them both. "It's been some time since we last met. I understand you've not been in regular contact with each other outside of our sessions?"

"That's correct." Ana confirmed.

"Perhaps, so we've got a broader picture and are roughly on the same page, we can start by getting an update from each of you and then figure out your goals as a couple. We can continue to work on individual goals privately, but the purpose of meeting all together today is to determine direction of future sessions. As always, I'd like to keep things honest but civil. And like with our individual sessions, we'll keep things goal focused. Hopefully by the end of our meeting today, we'll have a better idea of where to go from here. Does that sound okay?"

Both nodded.

"Anything else to add to our agenda today?"

"Let's see how it goes." Christian offered looking at Ana tentatively.

Flynn nodded. "Ana?"

"No, that's fine."

"Alright." Flynn sat back and motioned to Christian. "Would you like to begin then?"

"Sure." He responded with a nod. Ana studied his face. He looked contrite. Humbled. Ana had seen a glimpse of this Christian once before – Early in their relationship when he beat her with a belt, and she had subsequently left him. _Isn't it interesting how this response is only evoked when I walk away_. Today, he was not quite submissive Christian, but he was certainly missing much of the bluster and dominance he usually carried himself with. She reflected on their first major fight. That seemed such a monumental rift in their relationship at the time, but they had patched things up. That moment seemed a fraction of the state their marriage was in today. Who knew if amends could be made? At this moment, Ana felt it was impossible.

"I broke things off with Julie."

Ana bristled at mention of the mistress' name, but remained silently guarded.

"I've had time to think since we last talked. I realized that I didn't love her. I realized how badly I fucked up, and how much I hurt you." He raked his fingers through his hair. "Jesus, I hate this. I hate us being apart. I miss you. I worry about you. Ana..." She could feel his intent gaze upon her, but she could not meet his eye. "I don't know what to do or say to make this better. I know I've hurt you, and I regret it immensely. I hope you can forgive me."

Ana had been eager to hear this. Her heart yearned to be with him again, to forget everything that had happened and return to the way things were, but the images and emotions she'd been evading resurfaced. Everything she struggled to avoid thinking about flooded her at once.

Christian kissing his mistress.

Christian fucking her.

Christian telling her he loved her.

The lies. The hurt. The humiliation. They hammered through the brittle encasement her heart had been shrouded in.

She couldn't stop the deluge. She'd grown adept at sealing the offending pieces in a mental black box and burying them with work, family, mundane tasks; but now, in his presence, any good memories and loving feelings she'd had for him were tainted by these last ones.

Her heart crumbled again, and she felt her breath shorten and her head buzz with anxiety as the protective barrier she'd erected dissolved away into nothing.

"Ana? You're awfully quiet. What are you thinking right now?" Flynn looked upon her kindly.

She took a deep breath to steady herself, swallowing the lump in her throat and affecting an air of confidence despite the welling tears. "That seems... convenient." She finally offered drily.

"It's the truth, Ana. I want to make this work. I'm so, so very sorry."

Ana rolled her eyes. "It's too little, too late, Christian."

"Damn it, Ana." Dominant Christian was trying to surface but struggling to stay calm. "What do I have to do to for you forgive me?"

Ana's eyes flashed with anger.

"Ana-"

"You fucked up, Christian. And nothing you can do or say can make this better." She interrupted sharply. "Is this another game to you? One of the many things you have to master?"

"No, of course not –"

"Do you think you can fuck someone else and then turn around, say I'm sorry, and that's it? That I would take you back, just like that?"

"Ana, Christian." Flynn's stern but gentle tone reigned in Ana's rising temper.

"No." Christian countered. "I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to convince you of how sorry I am. If I could take it all back I could. I made a horrible mistake. I know that now, and I want to set things right again."

"Why now? Did it really take you that long to figure out?

Christian shrugged, sheepishly. "I've been selfish. I admit it. I should have done something sooner. Fuck, I should have ended things sooner."

"You shouldn't have done it in the first place!"

"I know. I know, Ana." Christian's eyes were pleading. "Look, I didn't call because I was ashamed. I felt unworthy of you. I wanted to give you space. And I needed time to figure things out for myself." He cleared his throat. "My lawyers needed time to settle things with Julie as well, to protect us, make sure she didn't come after us."

Ana shook her head bitterly.

"Honestly, I didn't know what to say to you. I don't know how to fix this."

"You can't. There's no amount of money you can throw around, nothing you can buy or give me, nothing you can say to me that will fix this." Ana's eyes locked on his. "You can't un-fuck this up. The genie is out of the bottle and you can't just stuff it back in. There is no magic re-set button."

"I don't expect us to just pick up again as if nothing happened. I realize that would be expecting a lot. I know I don't deserve it, but I'm still hoping for your forgiveness." He added quietly.

No one spoke for several minutes. The rasp of tissues being pulled from the box and Ana's muted sniffling punctuated the silence as she composed herself.

Finally she spoke. "The most painful thing for me about the whole thing, is that you fell in love with her."

"But Ana, I don't love her, that's the thing. I love you."

"What matters was that for the time you were with her, you gave her your heart - the one thing I believed I was in sole possession of. I believed you were mine, as I was yours. It wasn't just sex. There was an emotional connection. _That_'s what hurt the most. You broke me, Christian. Irreparably."

Christian let out a shaky breath.

"I've spent the last few months trying to put the broken pieces back together, and I just can't. It's been hell - so unbelievably hard. I've been in a hole, a dark pit." Ana twisted the tissue between her fingers. "To be honest, I feel hopeless right now."

"Hopeless. About?" Asked Flynn.

"About myself. About us, and this relationship. About whether I can work on rebuilding things with Christian. Whether I even want to." Ana looked at Christian. "I can't trust you. Not after all this." She steeled herself with another breath. "I'm furious. And humiliated. And so very sad, and I honestly don't know if there's anything you can do to regain my trust again."

"This is why we're here today." Interrupted Flynn. "If working on the marriage is something you both want and agree to, both of you would need to commit to working on it. Christian has started the ball rolling. He's ended things with the other party. He's committed himself to putting in work towards repairing your marriage. An affair can cause immense damage, you of course know that. But it's important to know the relationship can be re-built. It takes lots of hard work, but it is very much possible. That said, before we continue, I need to know; Ana – is this something you want? Do you want reconciliation with Christian?"

Ana closed her eyes, steeling herself. "As of right now? No. I don't think I can."

Christian let out a strangled sob.

"That may change." Flynn offered.

Shaking her head, Ana countered, "It may, but right now, I'm just not there."

She rose. "John, I'm so sorry for taking up your time."

"Ana, you don't have to go, we can keep talking."

"I don't see a point. I can't help how I feel. That may change, but right now, I'm done and I just really need to get out of here. I'll see you on my own another time."

"Anastasia," Christian called out after her as she left the office.

"Send Taylor to pick up the kids. I don't want to see you." Ana called over her shoulder as she hurried out.

"Anastasia! _God fucking dammit_!"

"I'm sorry Christian." Flynn maintained his professional demeanor, but could not hide the disappointment in his face as Ana walked out.

***Present***

Another text alert sounded in her ear.

*I'm almost caught up

Ana slowed her pace slightly and carefully texted back: *Where the hell were you? Do you need me to stop?

*No, I'll catch up. Stay on pace. CU soon.

She re-pocketed her phone and continued. Up ahead, a sign caught her eye. A giant cluster of purple balloons drew her attention to the sign below it – a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Arnold Schwarzenegger giving a thumbs-up, with a speech bubble that read:

YOU CAN DO IT!

Ana laughed out loud. It could have been for any one of the other runners, but she knew it was an inside joke meant for her. A shot of energy carried her further and faster. She smiled, her heart threatening to burst, not from her exertions but from the morale boost she got from the surprise motivation. No doubt about it, this was the most physically taxing thing she had ever undertaken, but it was the support that helped make it feel achievable.

_I CAN DO IT s_he re-affirmed, and continued on.

* * *

**A/N 2 - Muchas Gracias to Netzel for letting me borrow Jake to use and abuse, and to Lulu Price for "Dicmatize". **

**By popular demand, I've included a CPOV in this chapter. Initially I wanted to keep this in just Ana's voice, but also recognized the importance of hearing from Christian. Would you like more? Did it work or could you have done without it? Should I move it to it's own separate/parallel story?**

**Many thanks in advance for reading and reviewing. **


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